To Pee, Or Not To Pee.... (story)

My mother is a sweet lady.  I love her to bits.  She's polite.  She's well-dressed.  She's pretty and articulate and makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich. 

But.  Put any one of her cubs in danger or distress?  You're asking for a smack-down. 

Once, many moons ago, there was an elementary school near our house.  The principal there was rather ... old-school, shall we say.  Apparently a kid at the school did some drawing on the walls of one of the bathrooms, and This Is Vandalism.

The principal decided that meant that NONE of the kids in the school should be allowed to use the bathrooms At. All.  There was an announcement made over the loudspeaker that day, telling us that the very next day would begin the great No Bathroom Access All Day punishment.  The vandal had not confessed, and It Would Be So until we knew who did it.

My mother was incensed when she heard this.  "It's not healthy!" said she.  "It's not SAFE!" "You need to be able to go to the bathroom!" she cried, pacing about.  "What is WRONG with those people?"

So, in her quiet, wearing-a-nice-dress way, my mom staged a sit-in the very next day.  She simply went to the principal's office and told the principal, the secretary, and the school nurse (to whom she gave a serious scolding about this) that until the kids were allowed to use the restrooms, the adults would not be allowed to either.  All. Day.  And my mom said that she'd make sure of it. 

I can only imagine that at that point, she crossed her legs, arched an eyebrow, and sat back.  Waiting.

Guess what!

The bathrooms were opened.  Kids peed freely.  And my mom, no doubt, picked up her handbag, gave a gracious smile, and strode out of there with perfect posture. 

Thanks, Mom.

Getting Old -- When Is It The Lamest Excuse Ever?

My darling, darling, crazy mom.

She's ... a mature adult now.  I WILL NOT say her age.  She may be .... mature, but she'd find a way to kick my sorry butt long-distance if I did.

But the funny thing. .... Ready for it?

She keeps saying, "Oh, now that we're old, your dad and I ... (fill in the blank)."

Some of the blanks are filled with:
"We're easily amused."
or
"We like to watch the birds in the birdbath."
or
"We eat pizza for dinner even if it's 4 p.m."
or
"Sometimes we think that dessert BEFORE dinner is a good thing."
or
"Your dad loses his reading glasses."
or
"I like to take a nap in the early afternoon."
or
"Your father just doesn't believe that rules apply to him."

And I keep saying OVER and OVER, "Mom?  Who are you KIDDING?  You've been doing all these things ALL ALONG.  Now you just have a convenient excuse."

She scoffs a bit, and pretends to be all old and cranky.

 It's totally a ruse.