Remember The Bloggess, and how she declared silver ribbons were for depression? Yeah. I'm wearing one today (metaphorically).
You see, my depression is so spotty. When I'm doing something fun you or relaxing, I'm fine. I'm cheerful. Don't have to fake it a bit. But then I get irritated and it all goes to pot.
I've been thinking about the body's 'pain-gating' mechanism. You know -- where if you, for instance, break a leg, you don't really feel the sprained finger or the sunburn quite as much. Your body prioritizes its pain. That is why we scratch an itch. The irritation of the itch gets replaced by the minor pain of scratching it, and the irritation diminishes.
I think that's why I get angry when I'm irritated. Anger feels better -- more active -- than irritation. I lash out (usually on quite a small scale) at whomever has bugged me (sadly, usually my family), and it is a release. Right before I lash out, I feel overfull. Bursting. Like my eyes are being pushed out from pressure, like my very breath is being pressurized. A quick yell or slapping my hands down on a desk or stomping my feet opens the valve a bit and brings the pressure back down.
But when I'm having a kind of tough time, the pressure just rises right back up. What helps? Exercise. No, really. The actual physical act of running or lifting weights or using the Elliptical just whooshes the pressure right out. It really empties me out, in a good way. Gives me a lot more room. Also a glass or two of wine helps temporarily in that it seems to loosen the outer skin of my balloon. It also gives me some flexibility, but it's not ideal by any means.
If I could get myself to exercise nearly every day, that would be a valve that I could rely on. I must do this. So far (other than the meds I'm on and the talk therapy I participate in sometimes), that's the best control I have.
[Amended: Yesterday, I played some terrifically difficult and cathartic music on my flute for an hour. THAT was almost as good as a physical workout.]
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Whoops. Forgot To Write
Holy cow! I haven't blogged in weeks!
Like you've noticed. Please.
I went to see a therapist about the "depressed but not sad" thingy. Now, I'm not convinced I'm going to keep going to this lady, but she had some good suggestions.
[BTW: My stupid reasons for not maybe wanting to return? Her office smells like food, and she has very very weird teeth. I know. I'm so shallow. But it's MY therapy, and I'll be shallow if I want to.]
Some of her thoughts, after asking tons of questions about my history (any abuse? No. Any major head trauma? Um. Not that major. Drug abuse? No. Any recent personal trauma? Unless you count going slowly mad, no. And so on):
1: Might be my thyroid acting up again! That would explain the logey-ness, the aches and pains, the lack of motivation, the desire to over-eat, over-drink, and over-sleep.
Solution: Go get blood tests again and meet w/my physician. EASY.
2: Might be way-way-peri-menopause. Doubties, but possible. Would explain all of the above too, to a degree.
Solution: Same as above. Done and done.
3: Might be my desire to both be a good "Victorian wife and mother" (her phrase) as well as a modern career woman, spiritual liberal, and innovator. That's crazy-making.
Solution: Some talk therapy, some priority-setting, some 'get real'-ing. Longer term time investment, but not beyond the realm of do-able.
4: Might be Something Else.
Solution: Lay around in bed, moping, and wait for it to either get better or get worse. That is the suckiest possibility. I'd probably get blood tests, do some talk therapy, and try to avoid this possibility.
Oh, and apparently I have The Guilt.
About what, you ask?
I have -- for the first time since the kiddos were born -- some free time. Time during which I do not feel absolutely compelled to fill with income-creating work. I don't need to spend all my time promoting myself, recruiting, building my presence. So, I can fill this time with things I ENJOY.
?
I think I have heard of this. Hobbies? Friends? Classes (taking, not teaching)? I have no idea how to handle this. But here's the Thing.
My kids are busy. My husband is full-on busy. He's working towards tenure (cross fingers). I'm the only one with this time, all by myself. What right have I to be enjoying myself?
Shouldn't I be working to make THEIR lives easier? Do all the cleaning? Cars to get oil changes? Blankets to the cleaners? I WILL DO ALL THE THINGS!
See my problem?
I have it TOO FRICKING GOOD!
::slapping self::
Like you've noticed. Please.
I went to see a therapist about the "depressed but not sad" thingy. Now, I'm not convinced I'm going to keep going to this lady, but she had some good suggestions.
[BTW: My stupid reasons for not maybe wanting to return? Her office smells like food, and she has very very weird teeth. I know. I'm so shallow. But it's MY therapy, and I'll be shallow if I want to.]
Some of her thoughts, after asking tons of questions about my history (any abuse? No. Any major head trauma? Um. Not that major. Drug abuse? No. Any recent personal trauma? Unless you count going slowly mad, no. And so on):
1: Might be my thyroid acting up again! That would explain the logey-ness, the aches and pains, the lack of motivation, the desire to over-eat, over-drink, and over-sleep.
Solution: Go get blood tests again and meet w/my physician. EASY.
2: Might be way-way-peri-menopause. Doubties, but possible. Would explain all of the above too, to a degree.
Solution: Same as above. Done and done.
3: Might be my desire to both be a good "Victorian wife and mother" (her phrase) as well as a modern career woman, spiritual liberal, and innovator. That's crazy-making.
Solution: Some talk therapy, some priority-setting, some 'get real'-ing. Longer term time investment, but not beyond the realm of do-able.
4: Might be Something Else.
Solution: Lay around in bed, moping, and wait for it to either get better or get worse. That is the suckiest possibility. I'd probably get blood tests, do some talk therapy, and try to avoid this possibility.
Oh, and apparently I have The Guilt.
About what, you ask?
I have -- for the first time since the kiddos were born -- some free time. Time during which I do not feel absolutely compelled to fill with income-creating work. I don't need to spend all my time promoting myself, recruiting, building my presence. So, I can fill this time with things I ENJOY.
?
I think I have heard of this. Hobbies? Friends? Classes (taking, not teaching)? I have no idea how to handle this. But here's the Thing.
My kids are busy. My husband is full-on busy. He's working towards tenure (cross fingers). I'm the only one with this time, all by myself. What right have I to be enjoying myself?
Shouldn't I be working to make THEIR lives easier? Do all the cleaning? Cars to get oil changes? Blankets to the cleaners? I WILL DO ALL THE THINGS!
See my problem?
I have it TOO FRICKING GOOD!
::slapping self::
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Silver Ribbons: An Unpleasant Ode to Depression
Well, you all know The Bloggess. And if you don't please go read her stuff. It's amazing. Also Hyperbole and a Half. SHE's amazing too.
They both recently posted blog entries about their experiences with depression. It was brave of them. The Bloggess suggested wearing silver ribbons in solidarity with other sufferers and such.
Well, I don't have a silver ribbon, but I do have depression. And it kind of sucks.
You see, I have a lovely life. No really. I do. My husband is nice, my kids are cool and not headed towards becoming mass-murderers at the moment, I have awesometastic friends, reasonably unobjectionable family (Steve, if not for you I could have said "fabulous," but you wreck the curve.) members, and a really fun job.
What in the HELL do I have to be depressed about?
The answer to that is "nothing." It doesn't take crappy situations to make depression. Crappy situations or events lead to SADNESS. That is not the same thing. Sadness is a normal reaction to sad or frustrating or unhappy things. Depression is unfair, unpredictable, and downright rude. It's chemical, you see.
Lately, all I've wanted to do is sleep and eat Pizza Rolls. Now, I'm not one to scoff at an occasional loll. I love to loll. Love to lay about and eat bon-bons and watch "Say Yes to the Dress." That's an indulgence I enjoy with glee (but not Glee. I really don't like the show). But that is a deliberate "make a fire, gather the dogs and blankets, and shrug off the boredom and toil of everyday living and just relax" kind of indulgence.
This is not so much. It is ... unintentional. I don't really want to sleep. I don't really ENJOY eating pizza rolls. But it seems like the only thing to do. When I'm working (teaching/playing), I"m fine. I'm enjoying it. When I'm with friends, it's awesome! When I'm out and about, I'm totally fine. But. When I'm on my own and the choices are:
1: clean the house
2: do laundry
3: do errands
4: go back to bed
Well, I choose 4.
And when I'm done being depressed and stupid, and I go to work or something, I wonder what in the WORLD was wrong with me! It is so much FUN to be out and about and working and interacting. It makes me so happy!
But boy oh boy is it hard to get to that point.
I have called up a counselor and will be setting up some appointments soon. I know it must be something weird like chemicals, because there really is NO reason for all of this. Therefore, my reaction is illogical. And I am not normally a low-self-motivation person. So, this anomaly is just that.
But what a crapper, really.
I've fallen and I can't get up!.
Yet.
They both recently posted blog entries about their experiences with depression. It was brave of them. The Bloggess suggested wearing silver ribbons in solidarity with other sufferers and such.
Well, I don't have a silver ribbon, but I do have depression. And it kind of sucks.
You see, I have a lovely life. No really. I do. My husband is nice, my kids are cool and not headed towards becoming mass-murderers at the moment, I have awesometastic friends, reasonably unobjectionable family (Steve, if not for you I could have said "fabulous," but you wreck the curve.) members, and a really fun job.
What in the HELL do I have to be depressed about?
The answer to that is "nothing." It doesn't take crappy situations to make depression. Crappy situations or events lead to SADNESS. That is not the same thing. Sadness is a normal reaction to sad or frustrating or unhappy things. Depression is unfair, unpredictable, and downright rude. It's chemical, you see.
Lately, all I've wanted to do is sleep and eat Pizza Rolls. Now, I'm not one to scoff at an occasional loll. I love to loll. Love to lay about and eat bon-bons and watch "Say Yes to the Dress." That's an indulgence I enjoy with glee (but not Glee. I really don't like the show). But that is a deliberate "make a fire, gather the dogs and blankets, and shrug off the boredom and toil of everyday living and just relax" kind of indulgence.
This is not so much. It is ... unintentional. I don't really want to sleep. I don't really ENJOY eating pizza rolls. But it seems like the only thing to do. When I'm working (teaching/playing), I"m fine. I'm enjoying it. When I'm with friends, it's awesome! When I'm out and about, I'm totally fine. But. When I'm on my own and the choices are:
1: clean the house
2: do laundry
3: do errands
4: go back to bed
Well, I choose 4.
And when I'm done being depressed and stupid, and I go to work or something, I wonder what in the WORLD was wrong with me! It is so much FUN to be out and about and working and interacting. It makes me so happy!
But boy oh boy is it hard to get to that point.
I have called up a counselor and will be setting up some appointments soon. I know it must be something weird like chemicals, because there really is NO reason for all of this. Therefore, my reaction is illogical. And I am not normally a low-self-motivation person. So, this anomaly is just that.
But what a crapper, really.
I've fallen and I can't get up!.
Yet.
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