Asking Questions vs. Asking For A Favor: How To Tell What's What

In  a recent mental argument I had with someone else (you know the kind -- where someone says something annoying/stupid/horrible in passing, you hear it and then you argue with them in your head for the rest of the day, even though you don't know them and will never have an opportunity to tell them what you think), I noticed that a lot of people think they are asking questions when they are really asking favors of people.
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"So, SchweetieWumpkins, will you be joining me tomorrow for the fundraiser for Hard Shell Lobster Rights? We're running the bake sale."

"Um, no."

"BUT SHWEETIEWUMPKINS -- I want you there with meeeeeee!  I really thought you'd do it! "

"Nope."

"Seriously?  I asked you very nicely!  You're such a jerk!  Why won't you do it?"

"Because I don't f$(#ing want to! Leave me alone!"

--end scene--
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In my head, I was scowling and muttering, "If you ask someone, you have to be able to gracefully accept that they might say no.  When someone is asked IF THEY WANT to do something, they are perfectly within their rights to say no.  No defense of their answer is needed. "

If, on the other hand, you really NEED the other person to do something for you, and you know you are not really giving them much of a choice in the matter, that is called 'asking for a favor,' and that goes something like this:
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"Ok, SchweetieWumpkins, I have a favor to ask of you.  I'm doing this fund-raiser thingy tomorrow. I need somebody to cover the bake sale booth for a couple hours.  I know you probably wouldn't do this if I weren't begging, but Marge got sick, and she was going to cover noon to 2, and ... well, I need help.  What do you say? Could you do it?"

"Well, yeah.  I guess so."
 [OR:  "Shoot. No, I can't. I wish I could help you out, but maybe next time?"]

"Ok, thanks!"
[OR: "Ok, thanks anyway."]

---end scene----
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I keep telling my kids that if you are truly asking someone a question, you simply MUST be prepared that the answer might not be what you want.
If you really need a certain outcome (like with a child who needs to get dressed), you tell them "You need to get dressed now."  Then you give them choices you can be happy with.  "Do you want to wear the blue dress or the t-shirt and jeans here?"
Acting like they have a choice when they don't is dishonest. *


What say you?

*Yoinked almost directly from Love and Logic TM.
 http://www.loveandlogic.com/

A Day Packed Full, and How It Went

Yesterday was a good day to be me.

Woke up, had a lovely cup of coffee, got snuggled on by my part-basset, Teddy, and talked to and listened to my kiddos tell me all of their dreams and adventures and plans for the day.
Kissed them, sent them on their way, and got myself over to a Junior High where I have been hired to coach their solos, their ensembles, and accompany the soloists on piano for their S&E contest next month. In between classes, I was working on beginning to organize the band director's solo/ensemble music files.  Eugh.  What a job. Somewhere between a treasure trove and a messy glove compartment.

After five hours of that, drove over to the car dealership where I needed to have them do some work (ON WARRANTY, so no $$).  I got to hang out in their leather chairs, relaxing, watching some stupid Dr. Phil thing until I realized that I was getting all worked up at his stupidity, so practiced my calming transparent breathing ("I'm made of clear water, and it all goes through me.").  It worked!

Got home and heard all about my kids' days at school and their Halloween plans for costumes, decorating, Trick-or-Treating.  We hung out a bit and watched a little TV, then I went to prepare to give a massage. I ended up arriving early, so I sat in a park and admired the lowering sun through the red and gold leaves.  Sigh.  Then grabbed some GOURMET amazing food for my friend and myself, headed over to her place for a massage session.

I deeply enjoyed giving the massage, learned a lot, and tried to remember all my techniques (and failed).  Then we sat and talked of beautiful things and thoughts and some of our greatest joys. 

I got home to find that the kids had cleaned the living room, and they were all in their jammies and ready for bed and snuggling.  We sat down and talked a bit and loved on each other, and were joined by the dogs who sensed a snuggling going on.  We all then retired to bedrooms for reading and sleeping. 

This was a great, fantastic, satisfying, tiring, lovely, thorough, full day.

Summer Kickoff

Yesterday, my hubs and I took Kid1, Kid2, and Kid1's BFF to an amusement park/water park. 

It was EXHAUSTING.  It was hot.  It was expensive. 

It was fun!

But the important thing to remember:  always ALWAYS bring the kids' friends.  I need to make sure we have a buddy for Kid2 next time.  It's SO much easier!  They chatter to each other all day long.  They share fries.  They giggle over melting ice cream.  They clutch their stomachs after roller coaster rides. 

I will happily be the pack mule on each and every trip to the amusement park from now on.  I rode SOME of the coasters, SOME of the water slides, SOME of the time in the wave pool.  But it wasn't vital that I was there the entire time.  And that, parent friends, is the key.  I stayed behind them, giving them enough space to feel all independent and daring, but being close enough to stop them from doing anything truly awful.

(Except for that ONE TIME I told them to meet us back at the bridge after we (the adults) went on the "Lazy River" ride and they (the kids) went on the tall, tall waterslide with tubes.  And they didn't see us right away, therefore they started wandering around in a panic.  And then they found us. With the help of a security guard. Sigh.)

But really.  It was good.  And I suspect I FINALLY put enough sunscreen on the kids and myself (and did it often enough) that I have not done their future wrinkles any help.

Yes or No?

It has come to my attention that a teacher at my kids' school refuses to allow the kids to say "No" in her classroom.

 How do I know this?  Tonight's dinner is an excellent example.

Me:  Would you like some more mashed potatoes?
Kid1: Probably not.
Me:  What?  Yes or no.  More potatoes?
Kid1:  Not really.
Me:  The only two possible answers here are "Yes, please," or "No, thank you."  You know that.  More potatoes?
Kid1:  I ... well ... I don't...ummmm. No.  No more potatoes.
Me:  "... please..."
Kid1: No more potatoes, please.
Me:  Why was that so hard?
Other Kid:  Kid1's teacher doesn't allow "no" in the classroom.  I think it's to cut down the negativity in the class.
Me:  "......(mentally) whuck? ..."   Um.  I'm sorry about saying this, but no.  NO.  You need to have the courage to stand up for your answer, be it yes or no.  And if a teacher or anyone else can not cope with hearing a "no" answer, they shouldn't ask yes/no questions.  That's the risk you must accept when you ask a person a yes/no question.  The person might actually say "no."
Other Kid:  May I have some more potatoes?

Me:  No.

Do Birds Like Cumin? [Edited, after more research]

My 8 year old son got into the car this morning for a doctor's appointment that was earrrrrly.  I sniffed and asked, "What's that smell, honey?"

"Um.  Indian spice, I think."

"Did you eat it?"

"Yeah.  I tasted it."

When we arrived at the doctor's office, I noticed a greenish-brown dust on the crown of his head.  Cumin.

"WHY?  Why did you sprinkle -- no, POUR -- cumin on your HEAD?"


"I wanted to see if I could get birds to land on me."

"By putting cumin on your head."

"Yep."

Sigh.

[ADDITIONAL INFORMATION]
Well, turned out it wasn't quite as nuts as it sounds.  

Every winter we make "bird treats" by gathering pinecones, spreading them with peanut butter, and then rolling them in bird seed.
Simon apparently spread PEANUT BUTTER on his head, then thought he was sprinkling seeds on top.  He read the container which read "CUMIN SEEDS" but didn't notice the little word "ground" under the first line.  He thought, 'hey, seeds are seeds.' 
He was trying to make himself into a human bird feeder.

The (Sometimes Unwanted) Gift Of Siblings

No, Steven, I'm not talking about you. 
This is an approximation of the speech I gave not 20 minutes ago out on  my deck, to my children.

When I had my first child, I was delighted.  I was a MAMA!  Then, a few years later, I was getting ready for my second.  I was so happy that I'd be able to give a fantastic gift to my oldest:  a sibling.

Siblings -- not too far apart in age -- can be the best friend you need when you're growing up.  Nobody else will have grown up with the same parents, the same dogs, the same house with the funny noises at night.  Nobody on the planet except your sibling.  Nobody on the face of this big old planet will know you and love you quite like the person who saw you go through puberty, or learn to swim, or go to the hospital when the grill fell over and pierced your thigh.

And right now, it's a gift that's being wasted.  You are wasting it.  I spent an hour weeding the garden. The chorus of "you can't make me" and "you're lying!" and "don't touch me!" was in the background nearly the entire time.  Then, when I came in to wash the kitchen floor, I asked that you work together to gather the weeds and toss them in the compost.  I was met with stomping and whining and mewling and then? You started on each other.  Tattling.  Irritating.  Pestering.

I am here to tell you that enough is enough. I had the two of you not only so I could have children, but so you two could be friends.  So you would know what I knew growing up:  that there's someone out there on your side all the time.  Ok -- not ALL the time, but mostly.  Someone who you can roll your eyes at when mom and dad do something irrational (to your pubescent minds).  Someone who -- eventually -- can tell you whether or not the guy you're dating is a jerk.  Or if maybe the mustache isn't the best idea.

So, go.  Go work it out. Together. Look long and hard at yourself before you blame the other.  I'm not going to be around either of you until I can be around BOTH of you. 

Freedom To Be An Adult

I was reading the post of a darling fellow Derf, and she was talking about what you should give up in order to be happy. 
This got me thinking.

One of my students (Amanda, I'm looking at yoo) commented that she held me up as an example that adults don't have to be all boring and stuff (her words).  I was tickled.  Really!  This kid is in HIGH SCHOOL and doesn't think I'm boring! 

If you're a kid, please go to Nick.com or something and don't read this.  But if you're an adult, pay attention. 

Think back to when you were a kid.  Any age of kid.  And you asked your parents for something, or to do something.  And they said, "We'll see!"  Didn't that just chap your hide?  You KNEW that was parent-speak for "um. No.  No way."  What if, sometimes, they said, "Heck yeah!  Let's dye your hair purple!  That'll be awesome!"

Would your jaw not hit the GROUND?  And imagine the "really? REALLY?" feeling -- that delicious freedom of "YES."  Imagine asking to go to the zoo one Saturday.  And then dad just stands up, grabs his wallet and keys and says, "Dude.  Excellent suggestion.  Meet you at the car."

Now realize that YOU have that power now.  You are the one who doles out the "we'll see" or the "HOLY CATS, LET'S GO!" 

And what, really, is so hard about saying yes?  If a kid wants purple streaks in their hair, why not?  It'll grow out or wash out.  If a kid wants to have a friend sleep over on a Thursday, would it kill them? What about eating ice cream BEFORE dinner?  What about building a massive snow fort, then covering it with water so it would freeze overnight?  What about painting the inside of their closet with glow-in-the-dark paint?  Or painting their closet door with chalkboard paint?  Or staking all the blackberry bushes into a tunnel to hide in?

What about -- for you -- saying YES sometimes?

How about driving through a parking lot full of Canada geese and honking your horn and chasing them?  (slowly, don't want Goosicide on your record)

What about complimenting that really pretty old woman in the grocery store?  Or maybe just paying somebody else's lunch tab -- someone you don't know -- just to make their day.  It'll cost you $12.  Imagine the mystification and happiness!  Leave a vase of cut flowers at a neighbor's front porch.  Try to bake the biggest loaf of bread your oven will hold.

Why. NOT?

Dye the kids' breakfast eggs blue.

CHOCOLATE MILK in the cereal sometime.

Throw your strong-but-silent husband a surprise party.

Sometimes, the "we'll see" response is just ingrained.  OUR parents never let us _______ , so why should we let our kids do that?"

Because.  It's fun.

Comic* Makes Me Realize My Son Is Awesome

This morning, my 8 year old son sat next to me, and started a conversation.

Mama?  Why do people have to have sex?

Um.  They don't HAVE to, but it's fun, and it can let a family have babies if they want to.

But.  Why do some companies TEASE women and say they can't have pills so they don't have babies if they don't want them?

Honey? Where are you getting this information?

A comic.

Oh.  Got it.  Doonsbury.  Well, it's not teasing.  It's real.  Some companies are arguing that women who have sex should always have to deal with the possibility of getting pregnant.

But, Mama.  It says here that the men get to have a pill called "Vitagro" (Viagra, I presume, although his interpretation is hilarious) so they CAN have sex.  Why is that legal, but the lady pills aren't?

Oh honey.  It's crazy, isn't it?  Some people think that they know how the world should work for EVERYBODY, and what is right for EVERYBODY.  I disagree.  This is why I keep writing letters to politicians, and why I vote.

This is just wrong!  It's wrong!  I think boys and men should be against this.  I think I should tell politicians that.  I think I know how to solve it.  

How, baby?

When I grow up, I'm going to start a business where I get people to go to these companies -- the ones who don't let ladies have these pills -- and they will join these companies.  Then?  They'll all go on STRIKE.  And the businesses will lose money, and they'll go out of business.  

Wow.  That's awesome. Just wondering, Simon, but why do you think women should have the right to these pills?

Because some ladies want to be able to be loving and close with a man, but don't want to make somebody else to take care of.  

Oh, honey.  That's so true. 

Mama? Are there other things where ladies don't get to do things that they should?

Well, years ago, women couldn't vote.

WHY?  Mama?  Why should ladies not be able to do all these things?  (choking up) I don't understand why other men and boys aren't talking about this ALL. THE. TIME.  I am GOING TO.  It makes no sense at all.

Honey, can you think of any things that men or boys aren't allowed to do, just because they are male?

(silence)

I really can't, Mama.  That is so unfair to ladies and girls.  It makes no sense at all to me.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

Mama, I'm proud of YOU.

[Note: some people think I give too much information to my kids, but as you can see, my youngest is an example of how information, delivered calmly, can lead to thoughtful conversation.  And hopefully, a compassionate and loving man, someday.]
*Note #2:  I had originally thought it was Doonsbury Simon was reading.  It was actually "Candorville," a similar comic. Whoops.

Painfully Trusting

Brace yourselves.

That moment when your beautiful blonde child obediently opens her little mouth and waits for the spoonful of cough medicine.  It is one of the worst moments of parenting.

Why, you ask?

Trust.

They trust that the Mama knows what she's doing.  That Mama is doing the right thing.  They trust that these chemicals Mama is putting into the child are the ones that will make her feel better.  To heal.  To soothe.  They don't even get to hold the spoon themselves.  They just open up like little birdies.

It shakes me to my core.  What if I'm wrong?  What if I'm WRONG??  How could I stand it?  I get flashes of the evil and unreal possibilities -- of families gone horribly wrong.  Of mothers gone around the bend.

I know that I am going to take every care; to read each label.  To only give as directed.  To be appropriate.  To be safe and healing and soothing and nurturing.  But why oh WHY do they have to be so trusting?
And why does this cause my soul to shiver the way it does?  The little fevered forehead, the damp hair, the watery eyes.  "Mama. Fix it."  It humbles me in a way that is most unpleasant. 

I love the feeling of bathing them, getting them into cozy flannel jammies, getting them a night time snack of apples and peanut butter.  Reading the book.  Tucking the blankies around the thin shoulders.  Kissing the forehead, patting the hair.  It's all nice and comfortable.

Giving medicine makes me shudder.  All because they trust me so much.

Being the Mom of Gifted and Talented Kids

Dave, with guitar, Grandpa, Karen (making an odd gesture), little Stevie and me (bottom right).

 Having grown up being the youngest of four smarty-pantz kids, I was accustomed to the high-expectation litany from teachers. “Oh, you must be good at math, being Steve’s little sister!” “Oh, Dave got such high grades in History. In fact, with his photographic memory, he'd read each page of the text then rip it out because he didn't need it any more.  I can’t wait to see YOUR work!”  “Karen was such a great artist!  I’m so glad YOU’RE going to be in my class!”

This is really and truly one of Karen's recent paintings. I KNOW. 

Naturally, I was tragically bad at math, Physics made NO sense to me, and my art skills?  Well... Want to see for yourself?

My sibs and I were “gifted and talented,” as it was coded in our school district.  My talents were more in the reading, writing, spelling, science, and music areas.  Our parents liked to see the A’s on the report cards, but (luckily) supported me as I struggled through math and physics, and never made me feel bad about my lack therein.

Not THAT kind of G&T, sadly.

As the parent of G&T kids (Oddly, until just now I didn’t put together that G&T stands for both Gifted and Talented AND my favorite beverage, Gin and Tonic.  Interesting.), I am faced with people’s mistaken assumptions.










1:  A G&T kid is gifted in ALL AREAS.
    Um.  No.  My little brainiac daughter is awesome at math and English, but her PHYSICAL coordination? She has been known to trip and fall, even when standing still.  As a preschooler, she almost always had a bruise on her forehead from smacking into car side-view mirrors in parking lots.  She did not understand how to throw a ball TO  someone until I explained the geometry of it.
My off-the-charts brilliant son cries and lashes out in anger over improbably small hurts, and when upset, babbles nearly incomprehensibly in frustration.  He also can’t seem to draw anything except stick people and buildings (usually with lightning or possibly gunfire -- it’s hard to say).

Dana, a friend of mine who is very passionate about possibly debunking G/T mythology was taught that these kids are actually most identifiable by the extremity of their asynchronous development. In some areas the child will be extremely precocious, mastering skills or hitting milestones much more quickly than the average developmental timeline. However, there will be developmental areas in which the child will be slower than average to develop. The three main spheres of development are cognitive, social/emotional and physical. Developing much more rapidly in any one of those spheres almost always results in one or more of the other spheres looking relatively stunted in comparison. With that in mind, look how much more sharply the truth about a G/T kid comes into focus.

2:  G&T kids are well-behaved.
    BWAAA. HA.  OMG, these kids are exploding with ideas and thoughts and FRUSTRATION.  They have SO many ideas that their little bodies can’t handle, and this causes anger, anxiety, impulsivity, and sometimes even sadness.  They routinely get into fights with each other over who gets the dictionary, who gets to read the newspaper, and who came up with the best description of the color blue.  Seriously.  They will cry because the other one knows how to do multiplication up to the 12s, and the other (younger) one only knows up to the 5s.

3:  G&T kids like to do schoolwork/homework.
    YOU try to get a kid interested in writing all their 5th-grade spelling words 5x each AND put each one into a sentence when they are actually at a 12th grade reading comprehension level.  It’s like pulling fricking teeth.  And any kid who easily learns things HATES to find out they can’t figure something out in a split second.  Trying to deduce how to carry the 2?  If it doesn’t make sense RIGHT THEN, it’s Armageddon.

4:  G&T kids can apply their knowledge to their lives in practical ways.
    Oh, I’m wiping tears of laughter away at this one.  They might be able to come up with an hypothesis and method and result for a science fair project, but when a PENCIL BREAKS?  They stand there and stare blankly at it, wondering what force on Earth could possibly solve this problem.  Never mind that there is (a) a cup full of mechanical pencils on the shelf, and (b) an electric pencil sharpener on the table.  Nope.  “The pencil is DEVASTATINGLY BROKEN. It’s a sign that I need to go watch Spongebob.”

Welp, I guess that's that.

5:  All the kids in the family will display similar G&T tendencies.
    Yeesh.  That’s like saying that all the kids will like green beans or the RED dental floss.  As the youngest myself, this was the worst one.  There’s nothing like having a teacher regard you brightly that first day, thinking, “Oh, THIS one will be such a breeze to teach,” and then when you get up to the blackboard to do the problem, you feel her eyes narrow as she cocks her head to the side and asks, “Umm, honey?  Remember the Order Of Operations? Ohhh. You don’t. Really?”

6:  G&T kids get good grades.
    Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I really have to thank two of my daughter’s grade school teachers here, because they each let her have the actual grade her work deserved.  As I mentioned, my daughter is crazy-good at reading and spelling, but in 3rd grade, she got a 48% one quarter for spelling.  I was aghast, and asked the teacher what in the HECK had happened.  Teacher responded that since my daughter already knew all the words, she didn’t bother to do the “write the words 5x, and use each in a sentence” for many of the weeks.  I applauded the teacher’s strength in giving a real grade to the little girl who had won the Gold Medal in the All-School spelling bee for the last 3 quarters.  Next term (after actually doing the work), she was at 98%. The following year (4th grade), my girl got a C- in reading.  READING.  She was reading Nancy Drew and Harry Potter in kindergarten.  When I asked about the grade, I found that she hadn’t done a number of oral book reports because she thought they were pointless.  Again, I praised the teacher’s honesty, and suggested to my daughter to get her butt in gear.  The next term, she earned her A+.

My son, on the other hand, is a wiggle-butt, and has a tough time staying at his seat long enough to finish his work.  He got a mid-semester report stating that he had roughly 25 PAGES of unfinished classwork, and would be getting a failing grade unless it was dealt with.  We called him to task about that, and rescinded all TV and computer privileges until his work was completed, but told him that we would love him no matter how many years it took him to get through 3rd grade.  It took him just under ONE WEEK to finish ½ semester’s worth of work.  He got nearly 100% on all the assignments.  The key?  I had him stand up to do his work at the kitchen table.  Also, having no access to Lego StarWars is a pretty good motivator.

Sometimes (in my case), the giftedness/talent lies outside the realm of good grades.  I am a musician, and have been winning competitions and auditions since I began playing. I'm lucky because my parents knew how important my flute was to me and no matter how poorly I did in Trigonometry, I always still had my music.  Sadly, I've seen parents take very gifted musicians/artists/whatevers OUT of their lessons because of their failures in, say, math or reading.  This will result in a very unhappy, angry child with no outlet for his or her  prodigious gifts.


7:  G&T kids are dull and boring and square.
    They are snarky and funny and deliciously original.  Some recent incidents include making gingerbread cookies.  I had them decorate the cookies on their own, only to find that they had made them all into zombies.  My daughter wrote a mini-play which featured a Thanksgiving turkey trying to talk its way out of becoming dinner, and when it failed, its spirit haunted the cook, gobbling in the dark of night.  Then my son found a grasshopper under our Christmas tree and decided to teach it about space and the Milky Way by using the Christmas lights (blinking them on and off).  These kids are hilarious and curious.

Not our actual cookies.  We ate them too fast to get a photo.

8:  G&T kids will follow in their G&T Parents' footsteps.
     As a former G&T myself, I have to remember that my kids may not demonstrate the same talents or have the same passions as I do.  Just last year, I tried to encourage my daughter by giving her flute lessons.  I couldn't IMAGINE that she wouldn't be awesome.  But she isn't.  She's average.  And that should be enough, right?  But I never heard her practicing for fun. Suddenly I realized that I had not acknowledged one of her TRUE gifts:  cooking.  She hums to herself in the kitchen, she sings, she creates and experiments.  As soon as I had that "a-HA" moment, I provided her with her own equipment in the kitchen,and took her grocery shopping so she could spend time doing HER thing.  She is SO much happier now! She still plays the flute a little, but it's not what makes her heart sing and that's OK with me.

No matter how high the IQ, the GPA, or the reading level, they’re just kids.  They squabble, tell fart jokes, and chew with their mouths open.  And they have problems with enemies and friends, with handwriting, with teachers.  It’s easy to forget that they’re just grade-schoolers when they start to ponder the mysteries of the universe,  and sometimes I expect too much from them.  Then I go check on them after bedtime and watch them sleep, surrounded by Barbies, books, trains, and candy wrappers, and I get to focus on WHO they are, and not what they know or achieve.

--written with the input of the RFML SparkyNinjaPirateHookers