Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Trying To Solve Things With Other Things

I washed the cord on the Kitchen-Aid mixer. 
Classic Series 4.5-Quart Tilt-Head Stand Mixer

I seriously went there.  I used a little knife to clean around the handles on the fridge and the stove.  I got on the floor and pried the gunk out around the baseboards in the kitchen. I did all the laundry.  I hyper-focused on cleaning for one whole day, and it was surprisingly satisfying.

I also have been contemplating yet another career.  

(Did anybody else notice that every sentence thus far has started with "I"? I'm annoying myself.  DAMN! I did it again! Ack!)

This has been a challenging several months, because I'm (apparently) trying to work through some (apparently) deeply-hidden opinions of myself by changing myself/what I do and seeing how I felt at each step.  The time I felt like I prioritized myself most (and valued myself) was when I was a student.  I always had a good reason to stop everything and focus on my own self and my education and development. It was glorious and satisfying. The feeling of deep, sustained focus was one that I value above many, many others. 

Perhaps that is what I need. A place and time to need to focus.


Teaching no longer requires that of me most of the time.  It's gotten too easy, too repetitive, too "Drop your jaw. Deep air. It's a C#!" I can't sink into that blissful space in my head where I find my center and I am poised there, weightless. Playing hasn't done that lately, because I have been distracted by the terrible condition of my flute (which, fabulously, is being taken care of at FluteWorld as I type this). When I am distracted, I have to think. Like, with the words part of my brain.  I think too much with that part already.

Who knew that FOCUS was (probably) what I have been looking for?


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Polly Purebread? Katie Kcheerful? Whatever.

Oh, good grief.  What a way to begin the year.

On Christmas day, my husband got sick.  Waaay sick. With a fever bouncing up to 103F. The next day, I got sick. My fever only got up to 101F.

We were at my parents' house, and my kids were there and fortunately they did not get sick.  But of course, my father did.  And my brother, who spent Christmas day with us but was driving to Iowa with his wife, came down with it too and had to turn around and go back home.

So on the 27th (I think -- I may have lost a day in there somewhere), I drove us home from Chicago to Michigan.  That was a very long four hours, I'm telling you. My husband and I stayed sick for several days, but he was far worse.  I'm terribly lucky that my kids were self-sufficient enough to find themselves meals (I had staggered to the grocery store when we got home and stocked up on frozen meals, canned soups, and other easy-to-assemble stuff).

A few days later, I started to come out from my haze, and it was New Year's Eve.  Also known as "the day before my husband's birthday."  Fortunately, somewhere in my fevered haze, I had ordered several gifts for him, taking advantage of after-Christmas sales online. I dashed out (dashed is probably an ambitious term for my speed, now that I think of it) and picked up a bunch of gourmet cupcakes, some take-out awesome tacos, and wrapping paper. My husband went to bed early because his fever popped back up to 102, and so my kids and I stayed up to watch the festivities in New York. It was pretty sweet, actually.

The next day was my husband's birthday AND the Rose Bowl.  Our school was playing in the Rose Bowl, and we know lots and lots of people who were in the marching band and teaching the band, so it was great fun to watch the parade and keep our eyes peeled for folks we know.

Eventually, we gave K his birthday presents and his cupcakes, and settled in to eat ordered-in pizza and watch the Rose Bowl game. It was a fabulous game, which our school WON!

But the bliss was not to last.  Two days later, I had to go to our local college where I teach; I was on the committee to choose a new faculty member, and we had to meet some of the candidates. I drove our adorable little 2-year-old car out there (a mere 1.5 miles away) in the cold weather, and had a nice time interviewing our candidates.  HOWEVER.
I went to go home, and naturally, my car wouldn't start.  Even when the security folks at the college came out to jump start it, nada.  I called a tow truck and waited.  Waited.  Waited.  Pretty soon (45 minutes or so) I was a shivering idiot, so I abandoned the car (and my purse, sigh) and walked to a building across the street and waited another 45 minutes. Naturally, my phone was low on charge, and I hadn't brought a charger.
The tow people were going to call me if they couldn't get to me (roads were pretty snowy), so I really needed to know if they had called.  I thought that possibly my car might charge my phone even if it wouldn't start, so I bundled up and walked back to the car.  In the process of turning the key to turn on the electricity, I accidentally went too far, and voila, the car started.
Quickly, before the damned thing decided to die on me, I drove to the dealership. Naturally, I didn't have the phone number of the tow company (I had been forwarded through my auto insurance office), so I had no way to let them know I had started my car. Guilt.

I got to the dealership, and turned off the car.  Then I face-palmed, because I tried to start it to move it further into the dealership's garage and I didn't start.
Of course.

I tossed them the keys and let them deal with it. Fortunately, my husband (who was still sick) was able to come pick me up and bring me home.

The next morning, of course, I had to go to work until about 2.  On the way home, I got a call from my husband.  Our house was full of a light grey smoke.  Naturally.  It was frigid cold out, and I had our only functioning car. I hurried home, and was appalled when I walked in.  There was a haze that smelled of burning rubber filling the house.  We had to go pick up our car, because they were going to close soon; we were lucky because it was only a totally dead battery. Do we take our dogs with us?  Is it our furnace? Is the house on fire somewhere we can't see?

I left the back sliding door open a foot in case the dogs needed to escape (a cheery thought, right?), and called a furnace repair person.  While we waited for the furnace tech to call us back, we piled the kids into the car and went to get the other car, hoping our home would be there when we got back.

By the time I got the car and returned, K was happy to say that the haze had mostly cleared out, and that the furnace was running ok again. I talked on the phone to the tech and told him our story.  He asked if we had heat, and I said that we did.  It was a very cold day, and he said he had a few homes without heat, and so he could come by if we absolutely needed him, but that he'd rather prioritize the people who were getting cold.

So we spent the evening watching the snow begin to fall, listening to the furnace, and worrying.  I slept in the living room, sniffing periodically. It was a long night. Early the next morning, my nose woke me up. There was a very light haze, but a fairly strong smell. I ran to the basement with my flashlight, only to see nothing out of the ordinary.  However, my husband noticed that the furnace was no longer turning on.  He checked and saw it had blown a fuse; when he replaced it, it promptly blew again. Ok.  This is getting serious.

By now, the neighborhood had about 16 inches of snow. Possibly up to 20, not counting drifts.  Snow plows never get to our street. The famed "polar vortex" was beginning to affect us, and the temperatures were dropping below zero.  Great.  No furnace, and no easy way to get to us.

I called the furnace guy back, and told the secretary our story.  She said that if we weren't plowed, she didn't know if he'd be able to get to us, but he'd try. She said they'd call us back soon.  OK then. Progress.  We pulled out our space heaters and an electric blanket, lit a fire, and put on robes over our clothes. We've got this.

After an hour or so, we got the call. "Jeremy, the technician, is stuck down the block from you. We're sending out another truck to try to pull him out."

Jeez.  I peeked out and saw him a half block away, shoveling out around his truck. By the time my husband and I got in our boots, coats, hats, and all the layers we could shove on, two neighbors were already out there, shoveling and pushing.
We joined in the fun, and within 10 minutes, we had him in front of our house.  Granted, he was stuck in a drift in front of our house, but he was at least here.

I invited him in while K and our neighbors (and our/their kids) grabbed shovels and started the process of digging him out again.

He diagnosed our furnace as having a bad case of "it's REALLY REALLY OLD" and also the blower motor was shot.  Sadly, he did not have an appropriate replacement motor in his truck and would have to drive (eep!) to the warehouse and get it.  Fortunately, our amazing dig-out team had cleared the way, and he was able to trundle down the snowy street to pick up the miracle part that would solve our problems.

Within an hour, he was back and working in the basement.  Of course, since it was such an old furnace, it was BACKWARDS from most he's worked on, and he had to take it all apart and reverse it after he'd gotten it all finished because he realized it was blowing the air backwards.  Sigh.

That poor guy got a nice tip, I'll tell you.

Just over $500 later, we were the proud owners of a new motor thingy, and when the sun set and the temperature dropped to 30 below zero, I realized it was a very very well-spent chunk of change.

So now, my car works.  My furnace works.  My husband is better. I am better. My father is almost better, and my brother, while still sick (he's an over-achiever), is on the road to better.  My kids are fine. My dogs are fine.

School has been cancelled (even the university) for two days, and the kids have another day off tomorrow. We've got enough food to keep us happy, and we have power.  It's amazing how well it's all going, given what could have been.

I don't quite know how to feel about all of this.  Normally, I think that I'd be angry that so much went wrong. I don't feel angry this time.  Just grateful, because it could have been SO much worse.

Odd.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Introvert Desperation in a Nutshell.

Remember how I told you I was an outgoing introvert?  Here's proof.

When I was in the throes of the "don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't ask me things," I had to cancel our newspaper subscription.  That was something that had been planned long before my mood, so it wasn't a reaction or anything.

I was in a rather "being pecked to death by baby ducks" kind of mood, and clearly didn't much want to chat. 

I made the call, getting more and more irritated by the automated, "Say 'not getting newspaper,' 'vacation service,' or 'cancel service,' thing.  

"Cancel service," sez I.
"I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.  Please say 'not getting newspaper,' 'vaca...'"
"CAAAANCELLLL SERRRRVICE!"
"So, you say your newspaper is in bad condition when you get it. Please specify 'covered in mud,' 'ripped,' 'missing sections,' or 'other.'"
"CAAAAAANCELLLLLL SSERRRRRVICCCCE!!"
"I didn't quite get that."
"CUUUSTOMERRRRR SERRRRRRVIIIICE?!"
"So, you want to transfer delivery to a new address?"
"OH MY GOD JUST GET ME A HUMAN!"
"Transferring"

After a few half-hearted bars of "Sweet Caroline," the call was answered chirpily by "Marianne." I informed her of my desire to cancel service.
She (undoubtedly in a call center in northern Oklahoma or someplace) asked me why I was choosing to discontinue service.

I replied, "I don't feel like telling you." 

She paused. She said that the newspapers like to know why people stop service, so they can improve for the future. 

I replied, "I'm sure they do. Still not telling." 
The pregnant pause there was well worth the awkwardness. 

"....Um. Ok. Well, then. Ahhhh, so... canceling. Have a good day!"

ME? An Introvert? Well, drat.

I'm a person who loves a party, loves to be out in front, loves to perform and interact and sparkle.

Naturally, I assumed I was an extrovert. I'm the one who sees the person standing alone at the gathering and goes up and starts a conversation, and grabs a few other people to join us, and then suddenly, we're the loudest corner in the place.

Introvert?

A few days ago, I had a meeting with someone I see periodically to help keep my perspective in line with reality.  We'll call her Julie (as that is her name).

I was describing a recent weekend in which I had been surrounded by those I liked and loved, and they were all very happy and having fun, and they Wanted Me To Have Fun along with them.  Leading up to that weekend, I'd been working, teaching, massaging, "being there" for friends, spending free time preparing for an interview, and such. No sooner had I gotten home from work a few days in a row, then I would go out to Some Fun Event.  By the second or third of such a day, I started feeling kind of nuts.  Kind of desperate.  I wanted to go hide in a hole. I didn't want to be touched, didn't want to be talked to, to be asked, to be needed or even wanted.  I tried standing up and saying that I really needed some time off, and I was reminded that I was "supposed" to enjoy doing fun things, and maybe I just needed to get out and do them, and then I'd be fine.  Maybe I was just a bit tired.

So I went.  I put on the brave happy Let Us Have FUN! face. And after a bit, I did have fun.  I put aside my need for a cave, and rose above and threw myself into the spirit of the day(s). It was fine.

But.

When all was over, I got home and sat down, and was covered in a glaze of "leave me the heck alone or I'm gonna shiv you" that wouldn't go away. It lasted for several days, and for the most part, I was able to cover it up and act fairly normal.  I smiled and was gentle and caring to my kids (mostly), to my students, to my clients. I said the right words, I made my hands do the right things so that people would feel nurtured. But each time I tried to relax by myself, I'd just kind of sit and hold my elbows to my sides and make myself be very small and still. I didn't even want  my dogs to touch me. I didn't want the sun to shine on me. Finally, I just went to bed and napped each time this hit me. I napped quite a lot for a couple of days.

So I went to see Julie, to see if she could help me sort it out.

She started smiling, and I was all, "WHAT? This is FUNNY?" And she shook her head.  "You're an outgoing introvert."

Huh? That's a thing?

Apparently, when a person loves to be involved, to be in the center of things, but then needs some alone time to recharge, that's being an introvert who is outgoing.

I raised a skeptical eyebrow.

She asked, "When you're at a party or something, and it's crazy and fun, but then you walk outside for some air and some space, does the alone-ness feel good and recharging, or does it feel like a let down?"

I acknowledged that it felt good and recharging. "I'm great company for myself!"
I figured everybody felt that way.

Apparently that was incorrect.

So, who'd have thought.  I'm an introvert.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Baby Brain is Real

I just read a facebook post by a good friend who recently had a baby.  She was lamenting the fact that she couldn't organize her thoughts enough to write anything.  It brought back a memory from when I had my first.


I actually went to a neurologist a few months after Allie was born because I thought I was losing brain function or suffering some kind of tumor or something. My husband was telling me about entire conversations we had, of which I had literally no memory.  

The neurologist saw the spit-up on my shoulder and asked if I had a baby. I nodded, and she burst into peals of un-doctorlike laughter, and said I didn't need a brain scan. I just needed a couple nights of uninterrupted sleep, and a WHOLE LOT LESS of the baby-feeding hormones. 
 
Baby mush brain is not a medical diagnosis, but it sure is real.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Talking To The Kitty Litter (Evidence of Sanity or Not?)

I love to shop at the grocery store -- when I can be alone.  I like it because I can have long, drawn-out conversations with myself OUT LOUD.  And really, nobody notices.  The reason for this is (I have done my research) that many MANY other people do the same thing.

My conversations with myself go like this.
"Ok.  What was it again?  Beef for roasting? Yes."
...
"DANG! Was it also milk? Do I need milk? Probably.  Also carrots.  AND LETTUCE! Don't forget the lettuce. Again.  AND -- don't buy any MORE OATMEAL.  You keep getting oatmeal and we've got packages in the cabinet."
....
"OH! Dog food! ... If it's on sale."
...
"LETTUCELETTUCELETTU... oooh - mangoes!"

....
"Milk?  Yes. Milk."

and so on.

This all goes on out loud, in a relatively full voice.  But having worked at this Kroger, I know firsthand how typical it is to encounter someone talking to the Shake 'n' Bake or the GoGurt.

Well, as is normal for me, I can't quite stop at "enough is enough."  Sigh.

I was reminding myself to by dog food ("dogFOOD. DOGFOOD! dog... fooood") and I encountered a man (probably in his 50s) standing there, tapping his front teeth with the fingernail on his index finger while talking in the direction of the kitty litter.
Because, apparently, I Never Learn My Lesson, I chuckled and said to him, "Well, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who talks to myself in the grocery store!"

He patted his round belly with both hands for a second then boomed, "Well, that's what you're SUPPOSED to do!  God tells us to talk to ourselves because that's how we talk to GOD!  And that's how Jesus talks to US!  And if you want salvation, you're gonna talk to Him and let him TELL YOU THINGS!"


Um. Whuck?

He kept talking towards the kitty litter while gesturing between me and his belly, and I did that narrow-the-eyes, tilt-the-head thing and I asked the only question that leapt to mind:

"So, what's Jesus telling  you about the kitty litter?"

And HE had the nerve to look at me like _I_ was crazy.