Just about every relationship, activity, and business item that I have going on has had SOMETHING go wrong this last week.
Not all are major things. But several significant to cause me measurable discomfort, sadness, angst, anger, embarrassment, disappointment, or confusion. And many of these in each and every day! I have lost or hewn down or misplaced lots of my major supports, too. That's kind of a wicked combination.
I haven't been making the wisest choices either. Sometimes when I get over-stretched, I start making rather grandiose or presumptuous decisions, and that gets me further into the muck. And I retaliate against myself by mooning about, going all pity-party, and generally picking lint from my toes while listening to borderline-lesbian-folk/angst music.
All my horses are running wild. No fences in view. I stand here in the dust, scratching my left ear, squinting, wondering what in the hell went wrong.
 |
| .... and there they go |
Then I hear stories about people with real, serious life issues. Being in settlements in Africa, then being bombed and thinking your husband died, so you move to another settlement, and so on for five years, until you finally learn that your husband is alive, but unable to join you for another year due to immigration laws.
People with major medical issues. People with addictions, poverty, death, doom, betrayal, fire, famine. And I want to smack myself and go "Waaah, waaaah, waaaah. Get over yourself, you whiny little shit." But then a part of my brain pokes me in the leg and says, "But. Your problems are real. They're not like HER problems, or even HER problems. But they're real. And don't feel guilty for taking them seriously."
How? How can a person with so many advantages ever take her own problems seriously, knowing... what I know? How can I ever allow myself to enjoy my free time when people in my life are suffering from overwork, lack of time, lack of rest? How? How can I let myself luxuriate and care for myself, to do hobbies, to relax, when I could certainly be doing work to make others' lives easier? I could be cleaning someone's house (mine or others), or be doing someone else's errands. I could be bringing a nice hot lunch to the person who is stuck in an office for a long long day.
But . I'm not really SUPPOSED to mother the entire world, am I?
If you have three pairs of shoes, and a close friend or relative has only 1, are you required to give one to them to make it even?
Aaaaaand ::let the toe lint picking begin.
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