Kate's Croissant-Making Cocktail Hour! Now in REAL TIME.

Ok, it's not going to be real time to YOU.  But I am typing this with bread dough clinging to my fingers, and with flour speckling my top.  My "F" key is sticky from the dough, and I sincerely hope that I don't kill my keyboard, or my blogs will be seriously limited with no "f"s.

I am using a recipe from Tracey's Culinary Adventures (http://traceysculinaryadventures.blogspot.com/2010/01/homemade-croissants-step-by-step.html), but the photos are mine.

Now, you may be wondering WHY in the HELL I, a woman with absolutely no culinary training and NO BUSINESS attempting this advanced and complex, am doing this?  Well.  Over the next few days,I have more time than I have brains.  Also, a friend of mine (Robyn) can make them.  But she has training.  And she's insanely awesome.  But I'm trying to measure up.

So.
I assembled my stuff:
Butter, Cream, Salt, Water, Flour (and yeast, which I forgot to show)

I started with:
ONE CUP FLOUR (the regular kind)
ONE CUP WARM WATER (also the regular kind.  No Diet Water for me!)
ONE TEASPOON ACTIVE YEAST (I get the kind in a jar.  Fleichmann's, I think)

Mix it up in a KitchenAid bowl.  (Actually, I let my 10 year old daughter do this part.)
You're supposed to get it all nice and smooth, then let it sit for an hour.

This is 1 C. flour, 1 C. warm water, 1 Tsp. yeast, then mixed up.

Naturally, with my vast experience in croissant-making, I decided that after 40 minutes, it was plenty done.

So then, I added:
2 1/2 CUPS OF FLOUR (just all purpose)
1/3 CUP HEAVY CREAM (got it at the Quality Dairy down the street, so it MUST be fab)
1 TEASPOON SALT

See? Cream. A third of a cup.
Also, see my sapphire engagement ring?  It wanted to be in the picture too, apparently.

WrrrrrwrrrrWrrrrWrrrr

Then, you're supposed to mix it all up for about a minute (the "about" is my addition, since I rarely actually time things).

Look how sticky!

THEN?  Cover it with some plastic wrap and let it sit for 20 minutes.

Saran Wrap.  I hates Saran Wrap.  It makes me feel like a spastic idiot.

Timer.  Set to 20 minutes.  Just in case you weren't sure how to handle this "sit for 20 minutes" thing.

That's where I am now.  And why I am typing.  It's rising, and I'm bored.
-----------------------
 OK. I'm back.  The timer pinged.
Really, it beeped.  And I ignored it and poured a glass of white wine.  Priorities, people.

Now, I need to go and turn the KitchenAid on LOW for 20 minutes.
See ya soon.
----------------------

Time for a drink.

----------------------
Well, it whacked around for 20 minutes and turned into a lovely smooth dough.

That's my daughter there.

I wrapped it in the deadly Saran Wrap and plopped it into the fridge for another 30 minutes.

Honestly, it had the weight and softness of a baby right after a bath.

Then began what LOOKED like it was going to be an easy step.  The butter-square step.  I think my problem was that I had left the butter out on the counter the entire time (for the last 1.5 hours, approximately), and it got mighty soft.

What you're SUPPOSED to do is take 3 1/2 sticks of butter, place them in a square on a piece of Evil Wrap, cover with another piece of plastic wrap, and then pound with a rolling pin until it's in an EIGHT INCH square.  Exactly.

I am butter. I am too soft.  I will take my revenge.

A nice ladylike little ruler, no?

What I ended up doing was placing the butter on the bottom plastic, covering it with the other, and smooshing it with the rolling pin into a 9-inch square.

SEE?  I am too big.  I told you I'd take my revenge.

Which is too big, you might notice.  It's because it's so soft. So I had to then (after much measuring and Yosemite Sam-like swearing) smoosh it into a SMALLER square.

Because of the moosh factor, I carefully folded the extra plastic around the butter (which finally gave in and became an obedient 8x8 inch square) and put it in the fridge to firm up.
And that's where I am now.  Also, I'm drinking wine.  Hey -- croissants are FRENCH.  Do you think that Parisian croissantieres* don't drink?
----------------
[* I made up that word.]
----------------

Oooh! I feel all "french baker chick" right now!

Isn't this the CUTEST dough you've ever seen?

Gettin' ready to roll.

After the dough had rested and the butter firmed up, I rolled the dough out on a lightly floured counter.  It was to measure 9x17 inches.  And it took some doing to get it perfect, but I did try.

Perfection, I haz it.

[Oh, may I just share?  As I was putting the precious, precious dough onto the countertop, I saw what I thought was A FINGERNAIL CLIPPING there on the counter.  EW! EWEWEW! But after further investigation, it was just a piece of long-grain rice from dinner.  It must have been hiding when I washed the countertops. I was horrified that a FINGERNAIL would get into the most ambitious bit of cookery I'd ever tried.]

ANYWAY.
The butter firmed up beautifully, and I then had to unwrap it from the Evil Wrap.

That's 3.5 STICKS of butter.  Oh yeah.

Then I plopped it onto the rolled-out dough and aligned it.  IT WAS PERFECT.  I'm so proud.

YAAAY!  Butter on dough!

Ok, so I had to adjust it a wee bit.
Then i folded it over. It was like Iron Chef and Breakfast At Tiffany's rolled into one, it was so awesome.

Side view.  See the butter? 

Then I had to seal the edges.  It said in the recipe that you're supposed to use the rolling pin for this, but I didn't trust it after the "Great Butter Smooshing" episode of November 2011.  Which was just earlier this evening.
I sealed the edges with my fingers.  I actually went around it a few times, just to be sure, since I didn't want any leakage like the Chicken Kiev Incident of 1998.

Then.  The great Rolling of the Dough begins.  The goal was to pound and roll the dough/butter into a 9 X 18 rectangle EXACTLY.  Ok.  Poundpoundpound.

I really did measure it right, not with the ruler all crooked. 

As it turns out, it takes considerably LESS FORCE to pound the dough/butter than one might suspect.  (OK.  I admit.  I saw "POUND" in the directions and I ... lost my head a bit.)

At this point, the dough is afraid of me.  "Don't pound me, bro!"

It took some nudging and squishing to get it to the right dimensions, but I thin k I did ok.

Now comes the FOLDING THE DOUGH like and ENVELOPE part.  I had been waiting for this!  IT was so awesome!
You're supposed to fold the bottom THIRD up, and then the top THIRD down.  Now, when you do this, each segment is SIX INCHES TALL.  I did the math myself, thankyouverymuch.

Fold...

Fold....

LOOK!  They actually were six inches each!  This is considered "One Turn" in croissantology*.
[*another invented word]
Now, you're supposed to rotate the dough so the closed edge is to the left, so ... 1/4 turn counterclockwise, or "widdershins" for all the Wiccans in the crowd.

Widdershins dough.

Now, pound/roll it out to 9 X 18 inches again.  I used greater self-control this time.

Can you say "Fabulous"? I knew you could.

Ooooh!  All 18-inches-ish!  But.  Needed to make it wider.

That's my Grandma Allison's rolling pin.

Now I did the "envelope fold" thingy again.

I'm serious, people.  This is fun.
Now, the website suggested pressing two fingers onto the corner to remind me that I've done two "turns."

Squish.

The texture of this dough?  Like ... velvet, the best moisturizer you've ever used, baby butts, and maybe really nice gloves.  Rose petals.  Mmmm.

Then it gets wrapped up and tucked safely in the fridge for an hour, and then two more 'turns.'

Rest well, darling.  The Country Crock will keep you safe.

-----------------------------
Rest in the fridge for one hour, or one glass of dry Riesling, whichever takes longer.  I'm guessing the hour.
----------------------------
I came back an hour or so later and repeated the roll to 18X9 inches again .  Then I did the whole "foldfold, turn, roll, foldfold" thing again.
And I refrigerated again.

But.
I went off the grid here for a bit.  I could have been done, ready to rest for 8 hours or whatnot.  I decided against.  I REALLY want to make these so we can have them for breakfast tomorrow.

So here's what I did, and woe betide me if this causes them to fail.

I did ANOTHER turn (roll, foldfold, turn, roll, foldfold) and then I popped it back into the fridge briefly.
Then?
I decided "heck with it."  I cut the dough in half as suggested in the recipe.

WOW! LAYERS!
Then I wrapped up half of it and put it back in the fridge like the recipe said.
The other half, I just jumped ahead in the recipe and:

ROLLED OUT.  Waaaaaay out.

Rolled to 6 1/2 inches X 20 inches.
Now, again, I veered. I was supposed to refrigerate until chilled (20 minutes), but I took my life into my own hands and just went ahead and started the cutting.

That is my very favorite knife.  I call her Vera.  (anybody get the joke?)

I measured 5 inches from the edge and made a mark (actually, you can see that I did not follow the 'measure twice, cut once' theory, and made a few errors).  Then another mark 5 more inches in and so on.

Then on the OTHER side, I measured 2 1/2 inches in (to get the point at the halfway mark), then 5 inches, then 5 and so on. 

THEN.
I cut from mark to mark to make triangles.

See the errors?  I am not perfect ALL the time because then you'd hate me.

THEN, as per the recipe, I made slits in the wide side of the triangle.
Then I began the rolling.

Now, anybody who's made those "tube" crescent rolls can do this, I think.  It's the same thing.  But just WAAAAY cooler.
I had to do a little bending to make the typical shape.
The points didn't want to stay down, so I put them on the bottom.

AGAIN, I veered.  Instead of lining the pans with parchment paper (which I didn't have, but thought I did, hence some more swearing), I used baking spray.  Sue me.

Uh-oh!  There are two half-circles of dough left!  What to do?

Left over from making chocolate souffles

Pain au chocolat.  Or something.  Basically, I inserted some roughly chopped semi-sweet baking chocolate.  Then I folded them over and sealed the edges.  We'll see how that comes out.

Now, I'm going to let these rise on the counter overnight.  It's pretty cool in there, so I suspect it'll be fine.  The other half of the dough is in the fridge, and I'll follow the directions better tomorrow.  I'm getting tired.

Maybe croissants for breakfast?  How awesome would that be?
---------------------------
Well, I DID IT!
I woke up at 7 a.m. and turned the oven on to 375F.  Preheated for a good while.
I whisked one egg with a blop of cream, and -- lacking a pastry brush -- I used a folded-up paper towel to brush on the egg wash.

Popped them into the oven next.

See the two on the top left?  Those are the chocolate ones.

Set the timer to 25 minutes

And mere minutes later, it started smelling AMAZING in the house.
 I kept looking in through the window of the oven door, feeling a lot like a kid peeking around the corner to see if Santa's been there yet.

Note to self: clean the oven window.

Then, finally, the "reveal."

The two on the bottom right are the chocolate ones.

Eau. Mah. Gah.

I did it.

Teddy, in profile, on bottom right.

Now, the morals of this story.

I would try to keep the dough chilled MORE at the end (the final folds) because I suspect they would have been even flakier had I done that.

I could also probably try again with LESS BUTTER (I know, I know) and have it be successful.

The recipe said to let the croissants cool completely before serving, and they're right.  I had one hot out of the oven, and the center was rather wet and smooshy, but when I had a cooled one later, it was nice and flaky almost to the very center.

Finally, I think I'd bake them for a few minutes MORE.  While the pictures I have here don't show that the croissants were actually a nice honey/gold color, I think with maybe 5 more minutes, they'd have been a deeper gold/brown, so I'll try that with the next half (remember, I still have half the dough in the fridge!).

This project was started last night at 6 p.m. and it wrapped up at 7:30 this morning.  It should have taken longer (more resting time), but I pushed it.  But even saying that, I would (had I made the entire batch) have had 24 perfectly lovely HOMEMADE croissants in just over 12 hours.

Monetary cost:
Butter (4 sticks): about $4
Cream (one little pint thingy): about $3
Flour, salt, yeast: maybe $1

Actual hands-on time, probably an hour or so.
Baking time 25-30 minutes

I give myself a good solid A- for this!

Journey From Sloth and Despair, The Next Day

Lunch for kiddos and myself yesterday:

"Breakfast for Lunch!"
Fried eggs.  Strawberries.  Bacon.  Milk.
For me, I added a slice or two of flaxseed bread.

Not completely optimal, with a lot of cholesterol and fat, but still:  MADE OF INGREDIENTS.  YAAAY!
See?  I tried!  Kids ate fine, so did I.  Easy, healthy-ish (if you don't count the fat).  Not bad.  I'll give it a solid B.

Dinner:
Pork chops (pounded flat, with lots of spices and some olive oil; baked)
Homemade scalloped potatoes (thin-sliced potatoes, some half-n-half, some flour, garlic, and a few dabs of butter, then baked)
Steamed French-cut green beans
At daughter's request, a few potato-and-cheddar pierogis (frozen), sauteed in oil and garlic

Well, not horrible.  The potatoes had half and half AND butter, and the pierogis were frozen.  But -- could have been worse.  I wish I had another color of vegetable, like carrots or squash, but did not.  Too much in the carb category. 
I give this meal a low B-.

UNFORTUNATELY, I fell prey to the siren song of the leftover Chinese food in the fridge.  In its little Asian voice, it sang "Kaaaate.  Come.  I ruuuuuve you!  Eeeeeat!  There are DUMPRINGS!  Nooodles. MSG!"

My after-dinner resolve failed and I ate goopy Chinese food.  Delicious but deadly, if you will.  Also white wine.  Who knew that a dry Riesling could be so nice with Hunan Beef?
That "meal" gets a D-.

Today, I took my dear friend Cindilouwho for breakfast/brunch to a CRAZY awesome restaurant here in town, where we both splurged.  I had corned beef hash and ONE blueberry pancake, and she had some scrambly thing.  DEE lish.  Of course, completely NOT clean eating.  But there were blueberries in it, and they are SUPER foods, so perhaps it helped?

--------------------------------

The key seems to be in the shopping.  When I was clean-eating before (a few months ago), I was really buying LOTS of good, healthy ingredients.  Avocados.  Bright veggies, easy grains. Legumes and pulses. Yogurt, nuts, seeds, and ricotta. Olive oil, cool condiments, herbs.  When you have all THAT on hand, preparation is easy.  

My next step is to get me to a good grocery that carries piles of good stuff.  I'll slow down, meander a bit, and buy some yummies.

Allie's Words of Wisdom About DADT

My daughter is 10, and is full of wisdom.  It surprises me from time to time.

When "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed recently, she and I were discussing it.  She is very up on current events, and just couldn't get past why DADT had ever been enacted. 

Her concise, brilliant comment was this:

"The US is supposed to be the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.  You can't be free if you have to lie about who you are, and the government isn't being very brave if they're afraid of gays."

That's my girl.

Clean Eating vs. Sloth: My Dilemma [Journey From Sloth and Despair, the Beginning]

Oh, what a sloth I devolve into.

'sup?

I am very lazy and self-indulgent by nature, and I really have to psych myself up in order to get ANYTHING done.

My dog Teddy is really living the life I would enjoy.

My doggie, Teddy.  He had a paw bandaged because of a minor incident. He's fine now.

Waking up to go potty and have breakfast, and then lay down in a patch of sunshine for a nap, waking up again for a potty break, and then some scritching behind the ears and maybe some snuggling.  Then a quick drink and another nap.  Repeat as needed.  Insert occasional trips in the car to the bank or the park, and perhaps a random episode of wild running around and barking at the wind or squirrels.

So, with the additional activities we've had of late (concerts, out-of-town trips, parades), my slothlike identity is making itself known.  I've been eating (and -- horrors -- feeding my children) pre-packaged food, fizzy drinks, and sugary desserts.  Pizza.  Pierogis.  FROZEN DINNERS.  Toaster Strudels.  Ice cream.

Oh, the shame.

Ugh.  It's horrid.  I've FELT it.  It's so gross to think of what I'm doing to my digestion, my health, THEIR health, my weight, and all those blood tests (cholesterol, sugars, etc.).

In the newspaper this morning, there was an article about "Whole foods" (not the store, the idea), and eating clean.  I remember back a few months ago when I devoted myself to shopping well and eating only real food.

Mmmm.  Veggies.

It made SUCH a difference in how I felt, how I looked, and the pride I enjoyed as a result.


In my mind, there are three main categories food can fall into.  Well, four, I guess.

1:  REAL food.  That's where the food is made of ... only itself.  Chicken.  Oats. Carrots.  Strawberries.  It is what it is.  Nothing has been done to it.  Now, I must admit that you can take this category MUCH further than that by going organic, cruelty-free, local, non-pesticides, etc.  But for my purposes, I'm going to just allow myself to say "real" has no ingredients.  They ARE the ingredients.


2:  NEARLY whole food.  This is where the food is ONE step away from being itself.  For instance, cheese.  Used to be milk, but has gone through one change.  Also, whole wheat pasta.  Not the 'faux' stuff, but where whole wheat was turned into pasta.  Or maybe whole-fruit jam where it was cooked and maybe pectin was added.  Salsa -- the fresh kind.  Chicken broth.  You get the picture.

3: NASTY food.  This is where you don't know what's in it, but it still resembles food.  Like frozen dinners, frozen pizzas, Chef Boyardee crap, "Box Dinners," chikin nuggets, etc.  Most fast food falls into this category, as well as most boxed or plastic-bagged foods.

4:  FICTIONAL food.  This is stuff that bears no resemblance to food, but is still marketed as edible.  Cheetos.  Fruit roll ups.  Kool-Aid.  Pretty much anything with a cartoon character on the label falls into this category.

"food"

I rarely branch into the Fictional Food category, because even I, at my most slothful, realize that this is unacceptable.  It's like trying to tell yourself that it's o.k. to eat Play-Doh because it's non-toxic.  Crayons in tacos!  Newspaper smoothies!  Um. Don't think so.

Lately, as I mentioned above, I've been hovering in the "Nasty food" category due to ridiculous slothfulness.  I can feel the difference.  My digestion is ... crappy. (Ha! get it?)  My energy is around my ankles.  Ugh. And I have The Shame that I have allowed my darling children to eat this junk.  Sigh.

My resolve is to move back up the ladder.  I want to get to 70% from Category 1 (Real food) and 25% from Category 2 (Nearly whole) with a smattering from group 3 and even group 4.  (Cool Ranch Doritos, why do you taunt me so?  Reeses Cup?  Foul temptress.) Wait.  Did that math add up?

I want to try to write a series of posts describing my journey back from Sloth and Despair.  What shall I call this?  "Journey From Sloth and Despair" you say?  Well, then there it is.

Now I must go make lunch for my kiddos.  Sigh.

Giant Bonsai: who knew they were so popular?

I was o'erlooking this blog's statistics (since I just figured out how to do that), and noticed that yesterday THIRTY-TWO people searched the term "giant bonsai."

There is NO SUCH THING as giant bonsai, people.  They are just TREES. 

Is there a sudden rush of Giant Bonsai fans?  Maybe thinking ahead to Christmas?  Is Christmas "Giant Bonsai" season?  How did I miss this?  Curious.