Holy cow! I haven't blogged in weeks!
Like you've noticed. Please.
I went to see a therapist about the "depressed but not sad" thingy. Now, I'm not convinced I'm going to keep going to this lady, but she had some good suggestions.
[BTW: My stupid reasons for not maybe wanting to return? Her office smells like food, and she has very very weird teeth. I know. I'm so shallow. But it's MY therapy, and I'll be shallow if I want to.]
Some of her thoughts, after asking tons of questions about my history (any abuse? No. Any major head trauma? Um. Not that major. Drug abuse? No. Any recent personal trauma? Unless you count going slowly mad, no. And so on):
1: Might be my thyroid acting up again! That would explain the logey-ness, the aches and pains, the lack of motivation, the desire to over-eat, over-drink, and over-sleep.
Solution: Go get blood tests again and meet w/my physician. EASY.
2: Might be way-way-peri-menopause. Doubties, but possible. Would explain all of the above too, to a degree.
Solution: Same as above. Done and done.
3: Might be my desire to both be a good "Victorian wife and mother" (her phrase) as well as a modern career woman, spiritual liberal, and innovator. That's crazy-making.
Solution: Some talk therapy, some priority-setting, some 'get real'-ing. Longer term time investment, but not beyond the realm of do-able.
4: Might be Something Else.
Solution: Lay around in bed, moping, and wait for it to either get better or get worse. That is the suckiest possibility. I'd probably get blood tests, do some talk therapy, and try to avoid this possibility.
Oh, and apparently I have The Guilt.
About what, you ask?
I have -- for the first time since the kiddos were born -- some free time. Time during which I do not feel absolutely compelled to fill with income-creating work. I don't need to spend all my time promoting myself, recruiting, building my presence. So, I can fill this time with things I ENJOY.
I think I have heard of this. Hobbies? Friends? Classes (taking, not teaching)? I have no idea how to handle this. But here's the Thing.
My kids are busy. My husband is full-on busy. He's working towards tenure (cross fingers). I'm the only one with this time, all by myself. What right have I to be enjoying myself?
Shouldn't I be working to make THEIR lives easier? Do all the cleaning? Cars to get oil changes? Blankets to the cleaners? I WILL DO ALL THE THINGS!
See my problem?
I have it TOO FRICKING GOOD!