DEAR MASSAGE/MEDITATION MUSIC PRODUCERS:
In my recent quest to avoid almost certain repetitive-music-induced narcolepsy, I have been delving into a colleague's stash of "relaxation" CDs. After a few days of sampling the more frequently-used discs, I would like to submit a list of things that are not, in fact, relaxing to hear during a massage.
- Loud, sudden, frightening thunderclaps that inspire a client to bolt upright and cry, "DAMN, THAT WAS CLOSE!"
- Crickets. I know, they seem like they'd be soothing. They are not.
- Monkeys. Really, does this need explanation? Actually, primates of any kind.
- Dogs and/or wolves. And possibly bears. Barking, baying, howling, and growling. That caused my pleasant foot rub to seem like something out of a Goosebumps movie.
- Percussion. No matter how gently played, a hi-hat is disruptive. Also tom-toms, snare, triangle, and any other percussion toys.
- Tornado winds. Scary.
- Finally, cows. I am not kidding here. I know they're gentle and have big brown eyes, but hearing one mooing in the distance is disconcerting.
Thank you for your attention in this matter.