Simonism: Muscle Strength Test

Simon got in trouble yesterday because he was "repeatedly licking the back of his chair." 

Upon further investigating, I found that he had read that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body, and he was trying to push his chair in with his tongue -- "to test the tensile strength of the tongue muscle."

3rd grade is still full of surprises, it seems.

Simonism: ThunderCake

This evening, just as I was tucking the kids into bed, a thunderstorm was rolling in. 

I was in Simon's room, closing the window and the curtains, then I went to kiss him goodnight.  After the smooch, he urgently held up a hand to detain me.

Simon:  "MAMA!  WaitWaitWAIT!  There's a special kind of CAKE!  You can only make it when it's storming.  It's called "ThunderCake!"  You should make that.  Now."

Don't Worry. I'll Take Good Care of It

Kissing Simon goodnight this evening, he put his hand on my chest very carefully. I asked him why, and he said, 

"I want to find your heart. 

Because that is where my love is."

Do Birds Like Cumin? [Edited, after more research]

My 8 year old son got into the car this morning for a doctor's appointment that was earrrrrly.  I sniffed and asked, "What's that smell, honey?"

"Um.  Indian spice, I think."

"Did you eat it?"

"Yeah.  I tasted it."

When we arrived at the doctor's office, I noticed a greenish-brown dust on the crown of his head.  Cumin.

"WHY?  Why did you sprinkle -- no, POUR -- cumin on your HEAD?"


"I wanted to see if I could get birds to land on me."

"By putting cumin on your head."

"Yep."

Sigh.

[ADDITIONAL INFORMATION]
Well, turned out it wasn't quite as nuts as it sounds.  

Every winter we make "bird treats" by gathering pinecones, spreading them with peanut butter, and then rolling them in bird seed.
Simon apparently spread PEANUT BUTTER on his head, then thought he was sprinkling seeds on top.  He read the container which read "CUMIN SEEDS" but didn't notice the little word "ground" under the first line.  He thought, 'hey, seeds are seeds.' 
He was trying to make himself into a human bird feeder.

Rodent + Radioactive Substances

Simon has a hamster named Coco.  Up to now, he's not had the best relationship with said rodent.  I believe it's because he didn't get how to hold her gently.  She let him know that she was unhappy by chomping him.

HOWEVER, he recently figured it out, and now they're the best of friends.  Like last night at bed time, I came in to kiss him goodnight, and he was on the bed, holding Coco and reading a science book.  He beamed up at me, saying, "MAMA!  I'm teaching Coco to read!"

Then he proceeded to plop her down on the book with each syllable, "Plu- TO- ni- um!"

We will have the smartest hamster ever.

A-HA!

Simonism: March Edition

From the backseat of the car this morning, I hear,

"Mama?"

"Yes, honey?"

"If we're all -- everything -- made of star dust, why doesn't everything FEEL the same?"

"...... um.  Did you know that stars -- and planets and moons -- are all made of MANY different elements?  Carbon and iron and so on?  That stuff can all turn into other stuff, depending on how hot it gets or how hard it's pressed."

"Oh.  Ok."

Comic* Makes Me Realize My Son Is Awesome

This morning, my 8 year old son sat next to me, and started a conversation.

Mama?  Why do people have to have sex?

Um.  They don't HAVE to, but it's fun, and it can let a family have babies if they want to.

But.  Why do some companies TEASE women and say they can't have pills so they don't have babies if they don't want them?

Honey? Where are you getting this information?

A comic.

Oh.  Got it.  Doonsbury.  Well, it's not teasing.  It's real.  Some companies are arguing that women who have sex should always have to deal with the possibility of getting pregnant.

But, Mama.  It says here that the men get to have a pill called "Vitagro" (Viagra, I presume, although his interpretation is hilarious) so they CAN have sex.  Why is that legal, but the lady pills aren't?

Oh honey.  It's crazy, isn't it?  Some people think that they know how the world should work for EVERYBODY, and what is right for EVERYBODY.  I disagree.  This is why I keep writing letters to politicians, and why I vote.

This is just wrong!  It's wrong!  I think boys and men should be against this.  I think I should tell politicians that.  I think I know how to solve it.  

How, baby?

When I grow up, I'm going to start a business where I get people to go to these companies -- the ones who don't let ladies have these pills -- and they will join these companies.  Then?  They'll all go on STRIKE.  And the businesses will lose money, and they'll go out of business.  

Wow.  That's awesome. Just wondering, Simon, but why do you think women should have the right to these pills?

Because some ladies want to be able to be loving and close with a man, but don't want to make somebody else to take care of.  

Oh, honey.  That's so true. 

Mama? Are there other things where ladies don't get to do things that they should?

Well, years ago, women couldn't vote.

WHY?  Mama?  Why should ladies not be able to do all these things?  (choking up) I don't understand why other men and boys aren't talking about this ALL. THE. TIME.  I am GOING TO.  It makes no sense at all.

Honey, can you think of any things that men or boys aren't allowed to do, just because they are male?

(silence)

I really can't, Mama.  That is so unfair to ladies and girls.  It makes no sense at all to me.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

Mama, I'm proud of YOU.

[Note: some people think I give too much information to my kids, but as you can see, my youngest is an example of how information, delivered calmly, can lead to thoughtful conversation.  And hopefully, a compassionate and loving man, someday.]
*Note #2:  I had originally thought it was Doonsbury Simon was reading.  It was actually "Candorville," a similar comic. Whoops.

Plutocracy

Simon, once again, sitting and eating his breakfast.  He's taken to reading the political cartoons in the newspaper, but, being 8, does not quite get them.

S: Mama?  What is 'plutocracy'?  The government of Pluto*?

Me: Um.  Plutocracy.... Yes.  Government of Pluto*.  They don't hold elections out there.

S: //rolls eyes and sighs//

[*Note: In our house, Pluto is still a planet. I'm old school like that.]

Bacon Does Not, In Fact, Make EVERYTHING Better

My son (aged 8) was sitting at the kitchen table, eating breakfast and doodling on the newspaper with a mechanical pencil.  Just then, the pencil ran out of lead.

So, naturally, he took the pencil apart and replaced the lead with a strip of cooked bacon.  Naturally.

Later in the day, I needed to jot down a phone number, so I grabbed the closest pencil and began to write.  Sadly, I found that bacon is not an adequate substitute for graphite.

File that away in  your memories, people.

World's Worst Use of the "Five Second Rule"

The setting:  Boston's Logan International Airport, the sidewalk by the road where you wait for airport shuttle buses.

The time:  9 a.m., during the Christmas holidays.

People:  Mom, dad, son (aged 8), daughter (aged 10)

Mom impatiently awaits the Budget Rent-A-Car shuttle bus.  Son stands behind her, chewing noisily on the gum he was given before the airplane's descent, to help keep his ears from getting uncomfortable.

Mom hears son squeal, "FIVE SECOND RULE!" and turns to see son PICKING UP A WAD OF GUM from the dirty, disgusting, trash-strewn sidewalk.

Mom tackles son, screaming, "NO!NO!NO!NO!!!"

Just in time.

whew.

Simonisms: Gravity

Just today, Simon said, "MAMA!  It's sure a good thing there's not 100% gravity in space.  Because there's no bottom of space, and you'd just keep falling.  And that would be bad."

My 8 year old is hilarious.