I seriously went there. I used a little knife to clean around the handles on the fridge and the stove. I got on the floor and pried the gunk out around the baseboards in the kitchen. I did all the laundry. I hyper-focused on cleaning for one whole day, and it was surprisingly satisfying.
I also have been contemplating yet another career.
(Did anybody else notice that every sentence thus far has started with "I"? I'm annoying myself. DAMN! I did it again! Ack!)
This has been a challenging several months, because I'm (apparently) trying to work through some (apparently) deeply-hidden opinions of myself by changing myself/what I do and seeing how I felt at each step. The time I felt like I prioritized myself most (and valued myself) was when I was a student. I always had a good reason to stop everything and focus on my own self and my education and development. It was glorious and satisfying. The feeling of deep, sustained focus was one that I value above many, many others.
Perhaps that is what I need. A place and time to need to focus.
Teaching no longer requires that of me most of the time. It's gotten too easy, too repetitive, too "Drop your jaw. Deep air. It's a C#!" I can't sink into that blissful space in my head where I find my center and I am poised there, weightless. Playing hasn't done that lately, because I have been distracted by the terrible condition of my flute (which, fabulously, is being taken care of at FluteWorld as I type this). When I am distracted, I have to think. Like, with the words part of my brain. I think too much with that part already.
Who knew that FOCUS was (probably) what I have been looking for?
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